


Beware the Chicken

by Veynn



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon), Tangled (2010)
Genre: An alchemist who nearly took over Corona, Gen, Or CHICKEN, This occurs shortly before Varian would leave for the Seven Kingdoms, Three ex-thieves, who would win?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23643682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veynn/pseuds/Veynn
Summary: It is an unholy scream; one of bloody murder and feathers. Lots and lots of feathers. Whatever Lance, Keira, and Catalina Schnitz had done to invoke the wrath of the great and almighty bird gods, Varian…he does not want to know.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 56





	Beware the Chicken

There is a resounding screech from within the wall of their tree house. It is an unholy scream; one of bloody murder and feathers. Lots and lots of feathers. Whatever Lance, Keira, and Catalina Schnitz had done to invoke the wrath of the great and almighty bird gods, Varian…he does not _want_ to know.

When Varian had first heard that spine-chilling shriek, he genuinely thought a murder was being committed. It was…he does not even know how to describe that rattling sound of which he is too scared to even recall.

He wants to bail out on these absolute _heathens_ and no…it’s certainly not because he still holds a grudge about The Rooster. No, absolutely not. It’s been two damn whole years. Why would he be angry about that? He’s fine. Completely, one hundred percent fine. It had taken him a lot of time and effort to construct, but hey, it all worked out in the end.

He certainly didn’t lose any sleep over it.

As much as he’d love to get out of this horrendous situation, he…is stuck. The door is on fire, and there is one very mad, terrifying, _mean_ looking chicken staring at him with its beady little eyes. From what little remains of the once proud door, he can tell that this chicken—it is out for blood. And judging from how its beady little eyes are staring at him…this tiny chicken is staring into his bloody soul and it is _freaking_ him the heck out.

Sam the chicken…yes, it is now named Sam courtesy of Lance, it is fuming with rage. If this situation wasn’t so terrifying, it would almost be humorous. He had never known chickens could look so intimidating, but then again, a horse was the most competent member of the Royal Guard.

Who was he to judge?

_What have I done to deserve this?_ He pleads to the great bird gods in the sky.

Sure, he maaaaay have committed treason against the monarchy, but what teenager hasn’t? And maybe he had attempted to crush Cass at one point, and worked for the Saporians, but, okay…maybe he did deserve this.

His eyes twitch, surveying the scene. There is carnage everywhere. Their treehouse is like the remains of a battlefield, and there, in the furthest corridor and away from the chicken, are Lance and his two daughters.

“How the hell did this happen?” the shorter of the two girls says. Keira is livid, but there is a hint of awe in her voice.

“Language, Keira,” Lance says…as if polite words could save them from this literal _chicken from hell_. “There are children present.”

“Don’t worry, dad,” Keira says. “V’s a big boy now; he can handle grown up words.”

_Damn you all._

Unlike these three, he is a gentleman. No, sir, Varian will not stoop to their level. He smiles widely at them, but underneath, he is seething. For the first time since he had sworn to fight the monarchy, he…is this close to committing another crime.

The family would back away from him, but as there is nowhere else to go. It is either him or the chicken, and if they could choose between an alchemist who nearly brought down Corona to its knees and a chicken……

One glance at the unholy creature is enough of an answer.

They’ll take the accident-prone alchemist any day.

But, Varian, no, he is still furious. He wanted a nice, relaxing day or two before he left the kingdom. Instead, he is here. With these three and a chicken of all things.

_Don’t worry_ , he tells himself. In two days time, he’ll be off on a grand old adventure. He’ll be wandering, visiting the seven kingdoms…if he somehow commits a murder or two here, well—

There’re more than enough places to settle down in. He could change his name; find another handsome thief to spend the rest of his life with. If Rapunzel could do it, why couldn’t he?

“Just…how did this happen!!?” Varian questions, exasperated and well, completely done with life.

“Er, it’s a long story,” Catalina says consolingly as she walks up to Varian and places a hand on his shoulder. She glances worryingly at the door which is still on fire, but Varian…he looks like he’s about to commit murder. “Look on the bright side; at least it’s not the weirdest adventure we’ve ever been on.”

“Yeah,” Keira interjects, fists pumping into the air. “Remember the weird shell prison we got trapped in with Rapunzel?”

“Or that creepy realm we were transported to,” Lance shudders at the memory. _So many eyes…_

“Guys, I…don’t think we’re helping.” Catalina looks up at Varian and……

They need to explain before the alchemist spontaneously combusts.

\---

“Okay,” Varian says with a long and shuddering sigh. “You mean to tell me that all of this…the chicken, the fire, the damn door, it all started because of a…tiny hole in the wall?”

His face is buried in his gloved hands. If he could, he’d sob, but it’s best not to waste energy when the tree house is on the verge of burning down and there is one very angry, very irate chicken mere feet from where they are standing.

They’ll either burn to a crisp or invoke the spite of a chicken.

Frankly, no matter what they do, they’d be subject to a horrible, slow, agonizing death.

Somehow, and he does not know how, _Catalina_ was the first to notice the hole in their living room wall. It wasn’t so bad, they said. And, to be fair, he was sure it _wasn’t_ ….at first.

The wall was patched over, and that was it. Problem solved; no more birds would tear into their house.

Unfortunately, nothing in their lives could ever be this simple.

Another day passed, and there it was…another hollow patch in their wall. They patched it up, but then, it just got larger and larger until—

Chicken.

It all went back to the chicken.

While he may be an alchemist, he grew up in a farming village. He saw his fair share of horses and other wildlife, but none were as voracious and terrifying as this small, fluffy chicken.

The two younger teens were convinced their past crimes of thievery had invoked the wrath of some obscure bird god from one of the many towns they had stolen from. While they may have returned the items they had stolen long ago, some great chicken in the sky was still displeased with their actions. While he may be a logical soul, he will not immediately disclose this.

Honestly, Varian is starting to believe this fantastical tale of stolen treasures and omnipresent, all powerful feathery heathens. He is not particularly religious, but this gosh darn chicken is horrifying.

He nearly destroyed Corona; Cass…kidnapped him that one time and nearly destroyed Corona, Zhan Tiri—

Even the devil nearly tried to destroy them all, but even her heart would be stricken with terror if she possessed one to begin with…and no, it does not count as her ‘own’ heart if she had ripped it out of some poor unsuspecting victim’s chest.

His hands are on his chin, but he brings them down and shoots the most scathing look at the other three people he has the misfortune of being trapped in this forsaken house with.

If he dies, he’s bringing them down with him.

Screw being the better man. There is no kindness when faced with the harsh reality of a chicken and a flaming door.

It’s every man for himself, and Varian intends to win this war.

“Alright, listen up,” the alchemist says. The fiery door is crackling and obviously _on fire_ , but he can do this. He has overcome many obstacles in his life. This plan will work without a hitch, guaranteed.

\---

Unfortunately, he spoke too soon. If only he had learned from past failures.

He is very much in pain, and he is sure he may have fractured a rib or two, but he is alive…probably. It is hard to tell when there is a chicken staring down at him. Somehow, it had come into possession of his goggles and is wearing them on its chicken-y head like some kind of trophy, and…as much as Varian valued those goggles, he……will let the chicken keep them.

They may have belonged to his mother, but he is certain she would not want her only son to die in such a tragic way.

“Cluck,” the chicken says, chicken-voice so deep and wise. It is a voice that is brimming with unspoken emotion and knowledge…great, ancient secrets that only this chicken posseses. The chicken is nuzzling his hair, and now, Varian _knows_.

The chicken has accepted him.

The great bird gods in the sky have spared them. Now, they have been granted the gift of **life**.

Catalina, Keira, Lance, and he—they are all safe…relatively speaking.

Their house is still on fire, or, well, what _remains_ of it.

Varian is finally content with the world. Sure, they may have caused some damage and may have traumatized a few people into staying away from tree houses for generations to come, but…this chicken.

It clucks.

His eyes brim with unshed tears at its chicken-y approval.

As his vision slowly fades to black, he can distantly hear the frightened screams of Catalina, Keira, and Lance.

_“Don’t leave us, goggles.”_

_“No, he’s too young!!”_

_“Rapunzel’s going to kill us!”_

The world is now calm, except for the constant clucks of the chicken who had accepted them as their own…

And, of course, the house.

It is still on fire, but hey, at least they’re not dead.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this as a joke and certainly not because I was self-projecting onto Varian due to not-so-recent bird related events at home, but then...
> 
> I remembered the chicken.


End file.
